The Confessions

"I claimed expenses that were not entirely legitimate for about eighteen months. Small amounts, nothing dramatic. I stopped when a colleague was investigated for something similar. The fear of being caught was greater than my conscience, which tells me something about who I was then."

"I sided with someone I knew was wrong in an argument because they were more powerful than the person they were wronging. I needed the powerful person on my side for professional reasons. The person they were wronging knew I knew the truth. I saw it in their eyes."

"I never congratulated a colleague who got something they had worked incredibly hard for because I was too consumed by my own disappointment at not getting it myself. I sent a brief email. It was cold. They deserved warmth and I could not find it that day."

"I ended a perfectly good relationship because I was convinced something better was out there. That was eleven years ago. I have not had a relationship last longer than eight months since. I think about her more than I should."

"I told my children their grandfather was a good man when he was not. I wanted to protect them from a complicated truth. Now they are adults and I wonder if I should have let them form their own view. I took that from them."

"I have been hiding the true extent of my debt from my family for four years. The number is significant. I have managed it alone because I am too ashamed to ask for help from people who would give it without question. The loneliness of carrying it is worse than the debt itself."

"My teenage son thinks I never struggled in school. I struggled enormously. I was too proud to tell him when he was finding it hard and instead I pushed him harder. I watched him cry over his results one night and said nothing useful. I wish I had just told him the truth about my own failures."

"I have wished, in dark moments, that certain people from my past would encounter difficulty. Not harm. Just difficulty. Enough to understand something of what they made me feel. I am not proud of the arithmetic of that."

"I ghosted someone who was kind, funny and clearly into me because they were not conventionally attractive and I was worried what my friends would think. I am ashamed of that version of myself."

"I have always been my parents favourite and my brother knows it. I never did anything to change that dynamic. I just quietly accepted the better treatment and told myself it was not my fault. He grew up feeling second. That was partly my fault."