The Confessions

"I have never told a single person about the worst thing I have ever done. I have confessed adjacent things. Carried it in different shapes. But the actual thing, the real weight of it, has never been spoken. Writing even this much feels like something."

"I was offered a role in another country that would have changed my life. I turned it down because my mother was unwell. She recovered fully and lived another twelve years. She never knew I had turned it down for her. I never told her because I did not want her to feel guilty."

"I lied on my CV about a qualification I do not have. That was twelve years ago. I have since become genuinely excellent at the job. But the lie is still there at the foundation of my entire career and sometimes it feels like the whole thing could collapse."

"I have never told my husband that the first year of our marriage I genuinely was not sure we had done the right thing. I kept waiting for the feeling to pass. It did pass. But those twelve months I carried alone were the loneliest of my life."

"I have been mentally checked out of my job for two years but I am too afraid of the financial uncertainty to leave. Every day I give about forty percent of what I am capable of. My employer thinks I am performing well. I know what I could actually do if I cared."

"I have been hiding the true extent of my debt from my family for four years. The number is significant. I have managed it alone because I am too ashamed to ask for help from people who would give it without question. The loneliness of carrying it is worse than the debt itself."

"I have told my employer I cannot work weekends for family reasons for three years. My family reasons are that I simply do not want to work weekends. There is no specific commitment. I have just never wanted to say that plainly."

"I did not say goodbye to my best friend before he died. We had argued about something trivial and I was waiting for him to apologise first. He was gone before either of us backed down. That argument was about nothing. The silence it created was about everything."

"I have been at my company for nine years and genuinely do not know what I contribute. I turn up, I participate, I produce work. But I could not honestly tell you what the organisation would lose if I left tomorrow. That thought keeps me awake."

"I split a bill unevenly at a dinner once, in my own favour, knowing my friend had not been paying attention. It was only twelve pounds. I do not know why I did it. We have had hundreds of dinners since and I have always been scrupulously fair. That one time still bothers me."